2015 was a year of opposites for me and seemingly for those around me. Emotional shit storms one minute and moments of hope and gratitude the next. Scared to high heaven one moment and relief and fortune soon after. New love of all kinds found and, people and relationships lost by others. Memories forgotten and then remembered. I suppose that is why I resonate so much with waves. They ebb and flow, are calm and lapping one day and furious and rolling the next. This is in essence why I chose Wave to represent the work I’m doing.
Truthfully, it really was the year that I came out. (No, I am not dangling a carrot of some scandal of sexual orientation reveal….sorry!) In 2015 I sunk into the darkest hole of anxious depression that I’d ever seen. But I decided to come out about it, to talk about it, to ask for help, to accept help and to write about it. And in doing so, I also came out of that dark hole of depression. Coming out about it lifted the dark sullen veil that was covering my eyes and that had been draped heavily over my heart. The weight has been lifted. I can breathe again.
2015 was the year I came out of teaching, I needed a break. My mental health was suffering and I did not feel that I could adequately serve my students and give them what they needed. Coming out of this came with a choice: I could be ashamed that I needed a break and squirm in the stigma that is still surrounding mental illness or, I could use this time to become well again. I chose to become well again and because of that I am now working my way back in, new and refreshed hoping to make a new difference through my teaching.
In 2015 I came out of my comfort zone and became a Yoga Teacher. I don’t have the “yoga body” as seen in all yoga magazines and Pinterest but I’ll be damned if it stops me from reaping the soul serving benefits of this ancient practice and sharing it with others. Yoga revitalizes me, grounds me and reminds me that it’s not about having a “perfect” body. My body is perfect right now dammit. And so is yours.
2015 was the year that I came out of my fear of what people would think about me. Yes, it’s scary and I still have moments of shame, regret, and wanting to stay in the comfortable little box wrapped in a nice little bow that says “Everything is fine”. But the truth is: life isn’t always fine. It ebbs and flows like the waves. It’s hard and scary and thrilling and wonderfully awesome all at the same time. It’s getting to know the motions of the tides, and to understand that the weather always changes but that “after the storm, there is always a rainbow….and then another storm”. But if you build your own ship, you learn that you can at least own it, and do your best to navigate your life the way that feels best for you.
I feel braver, stronger and more beautiful than ever. And if those are the results of coming out, then I’ll take it.